why is life so hard???

i know i haven't said this yet, but i still live at home with my mom. for a couple of reasons; i don't have the money to live on my own & that she's disabled. i help with the things she can't do. so win/win. but shit just keep getting harder and harder for my mom...and for me. she has to take a lot of meds and when a person does this, you have to be careful of a few things: how she reacts to the meds, that they don't react wrongly to each other, and of course any side-effects.

its the side-effects that are killing me.

earlier this year she was hospitalized and it turns out it was because of one the meds. we (i) had to reason to believe it could be the meds cuz she had been taking this particular one for at least a year before the symptoms started. for about a year (maybe a year and a half) i'd been worried she had Alzheimers or the like. her mother had died of it, so it wasn't that hard for me to believe that she might be getting it too.

i can't begin to tell you how fucking scared i was!

as i was saying she was hospitalized. the doctor treating her figured out which med might be the culprit. and indeed that was the villian of my nightmares. i had my mother back. relief!

since then, she's been fine...mentally. but things with my mom's health is never easy. they just get worse, never better. there is always something new thats wrong with her. so that means new meds. which she got prescribed to her just a couple of months ago. and my nightmares came back! i again didn't think of the meds right away...i just thought i was losing my mother. the most important person in my world. always has been. for all the shit and emotional turmoil i go through with her; i have NO FUCKING idea of what i'd do without her!! but after thinking it through, i figured out that it started after she started taking the new med. talk about a big fuckin' relief!!

so she has an appointment today with her doctor and i make sure i'm there and go into the room with her. which i normally never do. she of course is not thinking about why i'm there. once the doctor comes in i tell him my worries. and it turns out that this is a common side-effect of anti-inflammatories. well, shit! i really wished someone, mostly the asshole for the hospital, would have told me that sooner. infammatory problems is a common problem for my mom. so yeah, that info would have been helpful. so now, we stop the using the new medication and wait to see if thats the problem. which i think it is; but until then i have the joy of dealing with the side-effects. even though i know its temporary, it is still heart wrenching to see my mom acting like that. she is one of the smartest people i know, so seeing her see things that are not there or from the past is too friggin' painful.

i'm sorry for the long rant, but i have no one else. not really. so this is me sharing my fears with whoever might come across my blog. rant over, take care & be good.

Eleven on Top by Janet Evanovich
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

more like 4.5 stars...it was just the ending that i had a bit of a problem with, but i loved the rest of the book. lots of funny, action, and sexual tension with The Batman ;) haha



View all my reviews

Happy/Sad

okay, so why am i happy & sad? awhile back i got into Grey's Anatomy and bought seasons 1-3 on iTunes. well, since then my computer died and took 2 seasons with it :( i didn't have them on my iPod because i needed the room. otherwise they would have tranfered right? right. my iPod of say 5 years finally died and i've recently been able to get the new iPod touch (my other iPod was a click-wheel)!! that alone was awesome on its own...been going crazy getting new apps :D so here i am being a geek and playing around with my iPod...and looky, looky what i found :o i found those 2 seasons of Grey's that i thought was lost forever in the ether!!!!!!!!!!! woop, woop *doing happy dance* i know it seems kinda lame to be happy over it when i don't even watch the show any more (we'll get into that another time). but i like those seasons and i'm relieved that i won't have to spend more money, that i don't have, replacing them. so there's my happy.
my sad has to do with the facist FanFiction.net, a popular site to read fanfiction. supposedly, there is a group of teenagers that is leading a crusade (sp?) to get rid of "smut" on FF. you know, if you don't like certain stories...then DON'T read them! why ruin it for everyone else?! besides most of those stories do have plots to them, not just smut. the sad thing is that FF admins aren't even reading the stories that this group is reporting. they just delete them. end of story. pun intended ;) so again here is my sad =( when authors are being repressed, no matter if its fanfiction or a novel, it's a sad state of affairs. i really don't understand why a group of people, especially a group of crying/unmature teenagers, feel the need to censor the rest of the population?!?!?! like i said above, you don't like it then don't: read, watch, or listen to it.
END OF!
right now i'm in the process of finding all my authors that have moved to other sites like here on Blogger (or WP, AO3, TWCS) & organizing the hell out of my bookmarks. loads of fun.


so there is my Happy/Sad....untill next time!

i'm back!!

hello everyone! so i'm back...not that it means anything since this is my second post ;) haha so things that i've been up to since my first post. i'm still a twenty something, but no longer a college student =( had to drop out in order to work more. only problem is that no one is hiring. got really lucky and my old boss rehired me. great, huh? it was until the budget cuts. i knew it was coming but it still sucks to know that i will yet again be out of a job at the end of the month. please keep your fingers crossed that i find a new job soon.


as for my reading, i've gotten into quite a few new series. for example: Stephanie Plum, Mythos Academy, Ranger's Apprentice, and the Brotherband Chronicles. i've just started the Stephanie Plum books and i'm loving every minute of it!! no doubt that my next posts will just be full of funnies from the book i'm reading at that time. you'll be lucky to get any updates about my RL ;) lol  single books: Baby Steps by Kally Sten and Underwood & Flinch by Mike Bennett. Underwood & Flinch is a vampire novel that started out as a podcast and was performed by the author. its a great story and Mike did an amazing job acting out every chapter. it will be available in print soon if your interested. i am going to buy the print version but i'm going to miss hearing Mike's voice.


okay so here's a funny...its bit long so bare with me. this is from To the Nines by Janet Evanovich, pages 143-144 of the paper back edition. a little background: Lula is Stephanie's friend, co-worker, sometimes wheel man, and ex ho. she's big black woman, that loves to show everything her mama gave her in clothes to sizes too small ;)

"I moseyed over to the door, looked up the street, and spotted Lula at the end of the block. She was walking fast in her Via Spiga heels, holding a white food bag against her chest. Two dogs, a beagle and a golden retriever, trotted close behind Lula. A third dog crossed the street and joined the pack. Every couple of steps Lula wold turn and yell something at the dogs. When the beagle jumped for the bag with Lula was half a block away, Lula let out a shriek and started running.
"Stop runnning," I yelled at her. "You're making worse. They think it's a game."
They were snapping at her heels now and barking.
"Do something," Lula yelled. "Shoot them!"
"Drop the bag! They want the bacon."
"No way I'm giving up my bacon."
Lula was running knees high, arms pumping. She was wearing the Via Spigas and a short black spandex skirt that was hiked up to her waist, and showing Hamilton Avenue what a big woman looks lik in a red stain thong."

 i was at the bus stop when i read this & just busted out laughing. i cried, i was laughing so hard...i bet the other people at the stop thought i was one of the crazies! haha if this doesn't get you reading the series, i don't know what will :)


so that is it for me for....until next time!

newbie

i'm new to this blog thing. i doubt that i will be posting regularly. if i do it will be random things about my crazy messed up life, poetry when i have moment of prefect clarity, or what just happens to be tickling my fancy at the moment :) 


who am i? i'm a late twenties college student, proud auntie of 9, the sometimes poet. i love to read (books & fan fiction), watch movies, play Wii, listen to music. i am the worst speller & i'm terrible at grammar...ahhh the joys of the public school system :) i do try my best to get everything right, but this is my way of apologizing now. so please forgive me and keep reading. theres more but i can't think of it. you'll just learn more if you stick around :)


um, my next post will most likely be all the books in my collection. i've been wanting to create a list, so i'll use the post as my excuse ;)


oh, i have a thing for emoticons so you will see LOTS of those in every post. haha